


What Should I Tell You?

by draginfyre16



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse (Supernatural), Destiel in the Endverse, Fallen Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Lucifer Possessing Sam Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-21
Updated: 2021-02-21
Packaged: 2021-03-18 18:07:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 715
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29613342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/draginfyre16/pseuds/draginfyre16
Summary: "What happened to you?"The answer is more complicated than Dean might think.
Kudos: 3





	What Should I Tell You?

The loss of his wings still hits Cas hard from time to time.

He laughs to hide the sting at past-Dean’s question and says, “Sorry, no dice.”

The next question isn’t unsurprising. “What are you, stoned?”

“Generally, yeah.”

Past-Dean looks at him. “What happened to you?”

That’s a hard question.

He doesn't know what answer would be best because he isn't sure anymore what past-Dean would want to hear.

_Everything_ , Cas wants to say. 

It’s impossible to pick one thing that led to this when it was caused by a million different things in this world gone to shit. 

_The war_ , he thinks of saying.

He was tired of war, tired of the pain and suffering and constant fight for survival, tired of using drugs to ease the heavy ache in his chest and taking pills just to keep going.

But he can’t muster the courage to do anything about it. He can’t abandon the Dean he knows in 2014. Not after everything.

He never entertained these thoughts for long but...if now-Dean’s plan included them dying...maybe that would be a welcome way out.

The war is an excuse though. The bullshitter’s way out. Cas might be a junkie and a shell of an angel-turned-human but he refuses to take the coward’s answer.

The war merely compounded existing issues that had started when Sam said yes during the showdown in Detroit.

War was never kind to those in relationships and it hurt to see his Dean grow more hardened and more distant. 

He briefly wonders if they would have had a chance if Sam had said no, if Dean had fought harder to try and reunite with his brother, if they'd been better at communicating or if Dean wasn't so angry all the time.

He supposes he’ll never know.

_I fell_ , he might have replied.

Becoming human was...difficult. That would be an understatement to anyone who knew him in 2014 but that was the best word he had for it.

He refuses to give this answer because the memories are a bit too painful: the emptiness when the other angels left, feeling his grace fade and dwindle away, the loss of his wings that started his slide into women and drugs and for the moment he uses bravado to try and shield the man he hasn’t ruined yet.

_You_ , he thinks.

That answer is the most painful.

He must keep the final answer to himself because this Dean in front of him is not broken or hardened by five years of war against the Devil. 

In past-Dean’s time, Sam has not said yes yet. Croatoan has not destroyed the world yet. The angels have not left yet. Lucifer does not have such a tight grip on the world.

He cannot tell past-Dean how their relationship deepens and then breaks when they need each other most. He cannot tell him about the way Dean’s anger and guilt and regret comes between them and the pain of watching it happen and of watching Dean slide into the role of the war-hardened prepared-to-torture leader he was now.

He cannot ruin past-Dean’s future by revealing his own past, especially when the past is gone and has given him only memories and regrets. He can drown the regrets with more pills but the memories are a little harder when now-Dean is always around and he can't zip off to the other side of the world for a moment's peace. And now past-Dean stands in front of him like a memory come to life. 

It hurts a bit more than Cas would like (a minor annoyance, the pills are supposed to numb things) but he knows it would be unwise to pop more pills in the middle of this conversation.

This answer might be the one he wants to give, the one closest to the truth, but giving it would break Dean years before he is supposed to be broken.

And he can’t do that. Not yet. Not when there’s still hope, still a chance.

So he looks at past-Dean and forces a bit of a smile and a shrug and gives a simple answer.

Perhaps _this_ answer is the coward’s answer but it’s the best one he has and it includes all of the above.

“Life,” he says.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading my attempts at fanfiction. It's truly appreciated.  
> Hopefully it's not too depressing.


End file.
